


Where Do We Begin? (Let's Begin at the End)

by Nikka001



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Background Case, Canon Rewrite, Declarations Of Love, During Canon, Emotional, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Fix-it, Episode: s22e04 Sightless in a Savage Land, F/M, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Feels, Fix-It of Sorts, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, Love Confessions, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:47:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28667214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikka001/pseuds/Nikka001
Summary: Amanda's thoughts and inner monologue following New Years Eve
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 7
Kudos: 49





	Where Do We Begin? (Let's Begin at the End)

**Author's Note:**

> I fixed it.
> 
> You're welcome.
> 
> -Annika

* * *

_ “Why don’t you come over?” _

The clock ticked down second by second...each move of the hand had them inching closer and closer towards one another until his breath ghosted over her lips and her eyes flicked down to his. Everything was perfect...until it wasn’t. 

Her phone buzzed on the table, the sudden sound like a hammer shattering such a precious and rare moment between the two of them. They pulled back from each other and Amanda reached for her phone, swiping across the screen to unlock it and holding it to her ear. She was out of breath as she spoke to her Captain, shaken by how close they almost came to...being something more. Something that she wasn’t even sure she wanted until a few months ago. And now she’s not sure if it’ll ever happen. 

She leaves before they have a chance to talk and she’s sure that when she looks back, as she’s pulling the door open, he looks almost...sad. Disappointed even. She wouldn’t be surprised if she wore the same look even as she gives him a smile before she exits, pulling the door closed tightly behind her. 

***

_ “They’re at home with Carisi.” _

Home.

For some reason, that word speaks volumes even when she’s just saying it to Kat. It’s a word she uses all the time, of course, but this time it feels different on her tongue. Heavier almost. Like just saying that word in association with his name has a whole new meaning. A meaning that she doesn’t even know if she’s fully ready for. It means stability, assurance, and most of all...the knowledge that the second she steps foot in that apartment, no matter how bad things get, he will always be there. That’s what home means. She’s not not sure if it’s for them.

Fin’s voice pulls her from her thoughts, dragging her back into the moment and their current case. He gives her a look but she shakes her head, grateful he understands her so well when he doesn’t push the issue any further and instead returns to the case at hand. 

***

_ “That doesn’t mean I’m more loyal to them than I am to you.” _

Going to see him was more for her sake than his. She’ll never admit that, of course, but it’s true. She knows how hard he’s been working and she also knows how much he’s always looked up to Barba. Which also means she knows how frustrating it must be for him to be on the opposite side of a guy that he practically idolizes as an ADA. She can see it in the way he walks, the way he talks, and even the way he stands when in the courtroom. He’s tense. He’s tense and there’s only so much she can do about it in their current situation. She tries her best to be there for him but in reality, being there for him is really more for her. If he’s not doing okay, then she’s not doing okay. 

He tells her how he’s doing in his own way. She can hear it in his words when they talk in his office and it hurts. It hurts her to know that she’s helped attribute to some of his pain and frustration and there’s not a damn thing she can do about it. 

So when she tells him she’s loyal to him, what she really means is... _ I love you. _

In her own way.

***

_ “It’s hard enough going up against my mentor but when half of my old unit is helpin’ him investigate?” “And not for nothing, you won.” _

She feels even worse now. 

Sitting here with him, listening to him as he finally lets her in on just a fraction of the pain he’s been in over not being with the squad anymore. Over not being with his friends - his family - anymore. She knew it’d been hard on him, but to hear from his lips that he felt like they’d all turned against him, it was almost enough to make her cry. The tears stung at her eyes and she had to look down into her glass to keep him from catching a glimpse of her reaction to his words. He keeps talking, about something his mother had told him over the phone that morning, but she’s not listening as well as she normally would. 

The guilt is overwhelming. It’s eating away at her and she hates that there isn’t much she can do about it.

“Sonny,” she finally says, raising her head to meet his eyes as he takes a swig of his beer, “I’m sorry.”

He swallows and squints his eyes at her. “Sorry? What’re you sorry for?”

“For everything. All of what’s happened to us - to our team - after you left.”

“‘Manda-” 

She cuts him off by placing a hand on top of the one he has resting on the table top. “No. Please, let me just say this, okay?” 

He nods and drops his other hand from his bottle of beer, turning in his seat to better face her.

Amanda takes a breath, looking down at their hands and squeezing his gently before looking back at him, “I should’ve done more. After you left, I should’ve done more to help you rather than act like I did. I took all of my stress out on you and I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have blown up at you like I did. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, alright? I get why you got mad. I left you guys high and dry and I shouldn’t have.”

“I wasn’t just mad about you leaving the team, Dominick. I was mad at you for leaving me.”

The words are out before she realizes they were even on her tongue to begin with and has Carisi cocking his head to the side.

“Amanda, I’d never leave you. You know that I’m always gonna be here for you, no matter what.”

The stinging of tears in her eyes worsens and has her dropping her head once again to keep him from seeing how much all of this has truly affected her. She breathes in deep and steady, trying to keep her heart from beating out of her chest and tears from streaming down her cheeks. 

“Amanda, look at me, please?”

She sniffles and raises her eyes to meet his, a small and soft smile formed on his lips.

“I will always, always, be right beside you. You understand me? I am staying right here, with you, for as long as you’ll have me, okay? I love you, Amanda.”

Smiling up at him with tears in her eyes and on her cheeks, Amanda flips her hand over to lace their fingers together and laughs when he gives her hand a squeeze.

“Okay,” she says softly, “I love you too.”

They’ve got a lot to talk about, they both know that, but at least now they have somewhere to begin.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what ya'll think! Love hearing from everyone!
> 
> -Annika


End file.
